Crush

Dear M,

I saw you two years ago, then I saw you back in April. I asked my friend about you, then he sort of help me to get to know you by giving my phone number to you.

When my friend gave my number to you, you whatsapp me on the same day. You start the conversation first , and you always say Hi first. After a few days you asked me out, but its late and we have to set other time. The moment you asked me out I was the happiest girl on earth.

Then we went out for iftar at Sara Thai, well actually you have no idea what I was look alike, just looking at my whatsapp picture. But I’m pretty sure my friend have told you about me and show my picture. *I guess* Then since your car broke down I have to pick you up, which is so awkward. In the car I asked you “dah order makanan?” and then you said “Dah, air je belum.” and I asked “order makan apa?” you replied “Surprise”. I was like berbunga-bunga. Haha Girlssss biasa lah. After makan, solat and we went to ECM for shopping. I feel like special, you treat me well plus you’re taller than me. I feel safe and secure. Normally orang yang suka kat saya rendah2 skit haha :p Then we went to Uniqlo, you wanted to buy jeans, then we moved to Giordano. You asked me which size better, M or L. I feel like newly wed haha sebab shopping sama-sama. Okay overr! :p Then sambung shopping after that we went to Bazaar at Stadium to find your baju raya. Last stop at Acutera Restaurant, bought your makanan for sahur and of course we ordered drink and talk about everything. I told you that tomorrow is my last day at work. I’m gonna start new job at Terengganu, and you feel happy for me. Then I sent him home.

The feeling after that only God knows. I really happy and hati rasa berbunga-bunga macam dilamun cinta. Actually memang la, but at that time I know he had a girlfriend. So I have to control my feeling towards him. Conclusion is, I’m so so so so happy because dalam banyak-banyak crush sebelum ni, experience ni paling best. Because you like him first then suddenly he text you (with help from a friend la) and dia yang put effort to text you first and asked me out (berdua). Which is soooo sweet. Sampai mama pun suka kat dia. The best part is kawan mama cakap dia ni tak pernah keluar lepak2 dgn perempuan, (kecuali dia pg Shah Alam jumpa girlfriend dia) and suddenly it turns out to be me? Lagi lah rasa special haha. :) And masa keluar tu ada la terjumpa kawa office dia, tapi buat biasa je. Esoknya dia pegi office kawan dia tanya dia pergi mana semalam. Haha nak kecoh jugak la satu office.

So, It was nice meeting you and keluar makan shopping semua. Dah lama tak rasa perasaan tu. Thank you M.



P/s: Tapi....... after that night ada la chat, and he asked me out. Cumanya I feel tak selesa mengenangkan dia ada girlfriend and kitaorg keluar berdua. Memang lah lelaki kalau nk keluar, nk keluar berdua and nk somebody sbb girlfriend jauh. Tapii entah la... (bersambung..)

Where Rainbows End/Love Rosie - Cecily Ahern

To the most inconsiderate asshole of a friend, I’m writing you this letter because I know that if I say what I have to say to your face I will probably punch you.
I don’t know you anymore.
I don’t see you anymore.
All I get is a quick text or a rushed e-mail from you every few days. I know you are busy and I know you have Bethany, but hello? I’m supposed to be your best friend.
You have no idea what this summer has been like. Ever since we were kids we pushed away every single person that could possibly have been our friend. We blocked people until there was only me and you. You probably haven’t noticed, because you have never been in the position I am in now.
You have always had someone. You always had me. I always had you. Now you have Bethany and I have no one.

Now I feel like those other people that used to try to become our friend, that tried to push their way into our circle but were met by turned backs. I know you’re probably not doing it deliberately just as we never did it deliberately. It’s not that we didn’t want anyone else, it’s just that we didn’t need them. Sadly now it looks like you don’t need me anymore.
Anyway I’m not moaning on about how much I hate her, I’m just trying to tell you that I miss you. And that well . . . I’m lonely.

Whenever you cancel nights out I end up staying home with Mum and Dad watching TV. It’s so depressing. This was supposed to be our summer of fun. What happened? Can’t you be friends with two people at once?

I know you have found someone who is extra special, and I know you both have a special “bond,” or whatever, that you and I will never have. But we have another bond, we’re best friends. Or does the best friend bond disappear as soon as you meet somebody else? Maybe it does, maybe I just don’t understand that because I haven’t met that “somebody special.” I’m not in any hurry to, either. I liked things the way they were.

So maybe Bethany is now your best friend and I have been relegated to just being your “friend.” At least be that to me, Alex. In a few years time if my name ever comes up you will probably say, “Rosie, now there’s a name I haven’t heard in years. We used to be best friends. I wonder what she’s doing now; I haven’t seen or thought of her in years!” You will sound like my mum and dad when they have dinner parties with friends and talk about old times.

They always mention people I’ve never even heard of when they’re talking about some of the most important days of their lives. Yet where are those people now? How could someone who was your bridesmaid 20 years ago not even be someone who you are on talking terms with now? Or in Dad’s case, how could he not know where his own best friend from college lives? He studied with the man for five years!
Anyway, my point is (I know, I know, there is one), I don’t want to be one of those easily forgotten people, so important at the time, so special, so influential, and so treasured, yet years later just a vague face and a distant memory. I want us to be best friends forever, Alex.
 I’m happy you’re happy, really I am, but I feel like I’ve been left behind.
Maybe our time has come and gone. Maybe your time is now meant to be spent with Bethany. And if that’s the case I won’t bother sending you this letter. And if I’m not sending this letter then what am I doing still writing it?

“I wake up in the morning and I feel like I’m missing something. I know that there’s something not right, and it takes me a while to remember what it is . . . then I remember. My best friend is gone. My only friend. It was silly of me to rely so much on one person.”

Life is funny isn’t it? Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about something, and feel like you know what direction you’re heading in, the paths change, the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and east is west, and you’re lost. It is so easy to lose your way, to lose direction.

And that’s with following all the signposts.

There aren’t many sure things in life, but one thing I know for sure is that you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. You have to follow through on some things.

I always give up, Alex. What have I ever had to do in my life that really needed to be done? I always had a choice, and I always took the easy way out— we always took the easy way out. At our age the burden of double maths on a Monday morning and finding a spot the size of Pluto on my nose was as complicated as it ever got for me.

“At first we had so much to catch up on we were talking a hundred words a second, barely even listening to the ends of one another's sentences before moving onto the next. And there was laughing. Lots of laughing. Then the laughing stopped and there was this silence. What the hell was it?
It was like the world stopped turning in that instant. Like everyone around us was wiped out. Like everything at home was forgotten about. It was like those few minutes on this world were created just for us and all we could do was look at each other. It was like he was seeing my face for the very first time. He looked confused but kind of amused. Exactly how I felt. Because I was sitting on the grass with my best friend Alex, and that was my best friend Alex’s face and nose and eyes and lips but they seemed different. So who was this man that was sending my heart into a frenzy? So I kissed him. I seized the moment and I kissed him.

I got the oddest feeling when you turned your back to me to walk down the aisle with Greg. It was a pang of jealousy. Is that normal? Did you get that feeling on my wedding day, or am I going completely crazy? I just kept thinking over and over in my head, “Everything is going to change now, everything is going to change.” Greg is the man for you, now he gets to hear all your secrets, and where does that leave me? It was a weird feeling, Rosie, one that eventually passed but one that was present all the same.

She is you, Rosie. The little girl with the raven-colored hair and pale skin is the girl I used to go to school with. It was amazing. Even talking to her I felt like young Alex again. Toby kept a watchful eye over me though; I think he was afraid I would steal his friend away. I felt like I was keeping a watchful eye over him too, because he was stealing my friend away. I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn’t you.

Our life is made up of time; our days are measured in hours, our pay measured by those hours, our knowledge is measured by years. We grab a quick few minutes in our busy day to have a coffee break. We rush back to our desks, we watch the clock, we live by appointments. And yet your time eventually runs out and you wonder in your heart of hearts if those seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, and decades were being spent the best way they possibly could. In other words, if you could change anything, would you?

Everything is spinning around us, jobs, family, friends, lovers . . . you just feel like screaming “STOP!” looking around, rearranging the order of a few things, and then continuing on . . . It was just a thought. I know you’re having a really difficult time right now. Please know that I’m always here for you.
Love, Rosie

Rosie,

I’m returning to Boston tomorrow but before I go I wanted to write this letter to you. All the thoughts and feelings that have been bubbling up inside me are finally overflowing into this pen and I’m leaving this letter for you so that you don’t feel that I’m putting you under any great pressure. I understand that you will need to take your time trying to decide on what I am about to say.

I no what’s going on, Rosie; you’re my best friend and I can see the sadness in your eyes. I no that Greg isn’t away working for the weekend. You never could lie to me; you were always terrible at it. Don’t pretend that everything is perfect because I see what’s going on. I see that Greg is a selfish man who has absolutely no idea just how lucky he is and it makes me sick.
He is the luckiest man in the world to have you, Rosie, but he doesn’t deserve you and you deserve far better. You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart, someone who thinks about you constantly, someone who spends every minute of every day just wondering what you’re doing, where you are, who you’re with, and if you’re OK. You need someone who can help you reach your dreams and who can protect you from your fears. You need someone who will treat you with respect, love every part of you, especially your flaws. You should be with someone who can make you happy, really happy, dancing on air happy. Someone who should have taken the chance to be with you years ago instead of getting scared and being too afraid to try.am not scared anymore Rosie. I am not afraid to try.


I no what that feeling was at your wedding—it was jealousy. My heart broke when I saw the woman I love turning away from me to walk down the aisle with another man, another man she planned to spend the rest of her life with. It was like a prison sentence for me. Years ahead without me being able to tell you how I feel or hold you how I wanted to.
Twice we stood beside each other at the altar, Rosie. Twice. And twice we got it wrong. I needed you to be there for my wedding day but I was too stupid to see that I needed you to be the reason for my wedding day. But we got it all wrong.
I should never have let your lips leave mine all those years ago in Boston.
I should never have pulled away. I should never have panicked. I should never have wasted all those years without you. Give me a chance to make them up to you. I love you, Rosie, and I want to be with you and Katie and Josh. Always.

Please think about it. Don’t waste your time on Greg, this is our opportunity. Let’s stop being afraid and take the chance. I promise I’ll make you happy.
All my love,
Alex

Whoever thought those childhood dreams of running a hotel weren’t quite beyond my grasp after all? It’s funny because when you’re a child, you believe you can be anything you want to be, go wherever you want to go. There’s no limit to what you can dream. You expect the unexpected, you believe in magic, in fairy tales, and in possibilities. Then you grow older and that innocence is shattered and somewhere along the way the reality of life gets in the way and you’re hit by the realization that you can’t be all you wanted to be, you just might have to settle for a little bit less.

“I had a million plans. I knew what I was going to do. I had the next few years of my life all figured out.
But what I didn’t know was that within a few hours all those plans would change. Ms. Know-it-all didn’t quite know it all so much then.”

Rosie: Well believe me Alex, there are certain kinds of silences that make you walk on air.
Alex: That, I no.

Rosie Dunne I love you with all my heart, I have always loved you even when I was seven years old and lied about falling asleep on Santa watch, when I was ten years old and didn’t invite you to my birthday party, when I was eighteen and had to move away, even on my wedding days, on your wedding day, on christenings, birthdays, and when we fought. I loved you through it all. Make me the happiest man on this earth by being with me.


(copy from: p-i-quot e-book)

"All You Never Say" - Birdy

All you never say is that you love me so
All I'll never know is if you want me oh
If only I could look into your mind
Maybe then I'd find a sign
Of all I want to hear you say to me

Are you uncertain?
Or just scared to drop your guard?
Have you been broken?
Are you afraid to show your heart?

Life can be unkind
But only sometimes
You're giving up before you start

I find myself waiting

I find myself waiting
for a call from you, a text
message, an email, a letter
in my mailbox with a Vincent
van Gogh stamp in the corner.
I’m still waiting, still anticipating
for the moment when you
will bring me back into your
life, or come back into mine.
It’s been nine months since I have
last heard from you. We went
from being inseparable for three
years to being complete strangers
in a matter of minutes. What were
we thinking when we thought
that this distance between us
could only make us stronger,
only bring us closer together?
We were fools in love from the
very start, and now that we
have reached our end I can
still only see us as those hopeless
romantics who are yearning
for love like it was the only
feeling that we ever needed
to keep us from falling apart.

"We may have been fools, but at least we were fools in love," - Colleen Brown

 

(mostlyfiction)

Maybe

I know that you know that I still want this, still want you. If anyone happened to look in my eyes, they could see the same thing. They could see where I went wrong when I told you that there would never be enough love inside of my heart for the both of us. They could see those words laced in regret and a fire that has been created from dedication in hopes of getting you back. So when you look into my eyes I hope you can see where I went wrong and just how much energy I’ve used trying to make it right.

(mostlyfiction.tumblr)

Did you

Did you really think that trying
to remove my memory from
your mind would really work?
When you became a part of my
life I became a permanent
part of your body. I am inside
of every limb, and you can
try to scrub yourself clean
of me but I can promise you
that no amount of soap and water
will ever free you from the effect
that I had on your entire being.

(http://mostlyfiction.tumblr.com)

Tawar

Jangan ditanya mengapa
Kalau hati sudah tawar.

Monday

Confuse and Complicated

Sometimes I think of you and really miss you, and sometime I don't and I don't wanna know anything about you. I'm tired. I hate this mix feelings. I am so confusing and complicated, yes I know.

I'm not ready to give commitment, but yet I want to be loved. How's that? Pretty confusing huh. I like the relationship after I let you go, I mean we don't have any special relationship but deep in our heart we know the feeling is there and the way I can be myself around you, I can act silly, and laugh and joking with you. I love all that. But when it comes to a real relationship like a lover I feel uncomfortable and awkward. That is why I don't wanna continue this relationship, I'm happy like this and I know you're not. Men wanna have a real relationship so that people will know hey, that's my girl (this is what I'm thinking). I always think if we be lover now, later when we get married this relationship is going to be boring. Because we have figure out everything during the dating phase and know everything about each other. So I like to have a close friends kinda relationship then when the time comes and both ready in term of mental, financial, emotion, knowledge and everything then we just get married and we can do what ever we want.

So yeah,  I'm sorry. I believe in Allah plan, always. And it's true "kalau jodoh tak kemana".

You

When I was in part 5 diploma I liked this guy, actually I don't like guys yang berbadan besar tapi dia different walaupun besar tapi I like him. Kitaorang selalu chat or sms. I like him but I never tell him that I like him. We been friends since part 1 diploma. Sebelum tu ada je minat dekat orang lain, tapi minat je la. I told mama that I liked him, then mama cakap bagi tahu lah dia kalau lambat melepas. Haha so tiba-tiba dapat tahu yg dia dah ada girlfriend! Dang kinda frustrated la and rasa nk menangis pun ada. Tu la first time rasa nak menangis pasal benda-benda mcm ni. Bila fikir balik entah apa-apa je haha.

Now, same feeling, I like this guy so much, I did mention in my old entries. He's my friend since primary school. Tapi kitaorang rapat start sekolah menengah, since satu kelas form 1 till form 3 kot. After that still rapat lagi walaupun lain-lain kelas, he further his studies at Johor and same goes to me. I remember we ride a same bus to Johor, but I stopped at Segamat and he change bus and stopped at Larkin. When I was in part 6 diploma, he keep asking me if I have a friend to "kanen" kan untuk dia. I mean dia nk like awek la or someone untuk berkenalan. Which that time, my male friends sebok suruh carikan masing-masing awek, ingat aku ni agent cari awek ke apa. Haha So back to the story, I gave him one of my girlfriends number, which I asked her permission first. So they always texting each other and the most annoying part was, when my friend don't replied his messages he will text me and asked why or what happen. Dusshh! (at that time I was kinda jealous haha :P) After that they stop contact each other and he had a new girlfriend. I remember one thing when he had crisis or problem with his girlfriend, he text me and I try to calm him and give some advice or opinion or any motivation to him. During Hari Raya he always came to my house with his friends. But lately when I finished my diploma, I stated like him, I like him so much. I don't know this could happen, because we were friends back then but now I like him a lot. Pfttt I hate that but that's the truth.

Until now I still like him and fall in love with him.  He has a girlfriend. That's the sad part, but before final exam last month he broke up. Till now I saw their picture together!! What the heck! I thought the broke up!! I asked my brother, he said that they just friends. FRIENDS? go out together, that's called friends? Okay fine, they are FRIENDS but I know that my friend still love her. He plan to get married with her. What the heck, she's still young! Now they broke up! Told ya! I don't mean to cakap buruk or doa yg tak baik it just, mcm tak masuk akal. Tu based on my investigation la hahaha.

So now I was so menyampah when I see them together! Hmm, I know he's not for me but at least find other girl! Why her! -.- So yeah again I like him a lot and yes I miss him a lot. I'm afraid to tell him that I like him, I don't want us to be strangers when I tell him about that, and I know mesti dia dah anggap sebagai kawan. Yes my friends said belum cuba belum tahu, and what if kalau cakap kat dia, dia pun accept ha. Tapiiii what if disebaliknya?! Hah tak ke mati! So that's my feeling right now, not now actually this feeling since I finished my diploma, even when I am in a relationship with someone. I still think of him, and I want him. GOD what's wrong with me! I pray to Allah if he's not for me, please stop me from liking him or miss him. Give me someone else that makes me more happier. Yeah I've been looking for someone to replace him. :p


(*apa aku merapu ni -.-)

p/s: Entah la sebenarnya kalau lah dapat dia pun, aku akan suka dia tak? or perasaan tu masih sama? Confuse.

and ends with tears. are you happy?

Hi i wasted a very long time like you, and end up you with someone else. Thank you very much.
Yes it's true i'm not good with words. Not like her. She's very good and can make you laugh everytime you together. Emm am i not good enough for you?

Now i feel lost inside myself..and the best part of me is hidden. You know why? because i had so many chances i blew cause i was too damn shy.. I'm not afraid to try again it just i'm afraid of getting hurt for the same reason. I have so much to say, but whenever the time comes to say it, I'm silent. All i want to get away..

Tired of trying, sick of crying.. Yeah i'm smiling, inside i'm dying..

I assume too much. Sometime i hate having feelings.. and no i'm not okay..

I still haven't found what i'm looking for.. p.s i never told you but i was falling in love with you.

Sometime i ask myself why me???

I just want you to notice me.

If you love me, let me know. But now... all gone...

And i keep saying don't be in love with someone else and i'm scare to see you with someone else..

It's hard when someone special ignores you, but it's still even harder to pretend you don't care.
The more i expect, the harder things are..

Think i might go out for a walk, nothing happening here, nothing ever does..

Actually i'll be fine as long as he stay single. You know what, i want to text you so badly but i feel like i am bothering you..

I am invisible. It actually hurt. My advise you cannot always wait for the perfect time, sometimes you must dare to jump.

I love being yours. I still remember the first day i met you. I want you right next to me..
Talking to you makes my day, but now you find someone else better.. I'm sick of just liking people. I wish to GOD I should meet somebody I should respect. I hope you're happy..
Basically, i wished that you love me.. Arghh what is wrong with me!

None

"The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hop." -Allan K.Chalmers-